"The estranged one" went back into the hospital yesterday for his first surgery. I went to work as usual, not wanting to have to spend the day with his deranged family. All went better than expected, if they are to be believed. Getting any imformation from them is like pulling teeth. I know that they never liked me, but for crying out loud, he is still my husband and it is my insurance that is paying the bills! I deserve to know something...
The second surgery is today. I am not making the same mistake twice. I will be there. I have to be at the hospital at 8:30 AM if I want to see him. Damned right, I'll be there! I'll fight the bloody Pittsburgh rush hour traffic to do it, because right now, every time that I see him I fear that it will be the last, and that brings out all sorts of emotional garbage...
Remember what I said a while back? I'd be better off if he were dead. I didn't mean it. Dammit, I want a divorce. I don't want to be his widow! Please, pray for him, my friends. I don't know if I can. God and I are not exactly on speaking terms. I'm pissed at him for giving this to yet another person that I care about.
I was watching Law And Order the other day when I heard a quote that summarized fairly well what I believe happened to us.
"Love, a terminal condition that is immediately curable by marriage."
~ Lenny Brisco ~
On Sunday night I cornered him (the estranged one) in the car with what I was feeling. It was probably the first time we ever talked openly about what happened between us. I came to a scary conclusion about myself. No matter what has happened or will happen, there is a part of me that will always love him. This is probably why I've never filed for divorce even though I know that things can never work between us.
Following this emotionally draining conversation, I held him and kissed him, quite passionately, for the first time in years. (Please, Andrea, don't be sick!) When I looked at him, for a brief moment, I saw the man who I had fallen passionately in love with twenty years ago. This really scared me.
I feel the need to list the reasons that I wanted a divorce before this happened in order to keep my head straight.
1. Our attitudes toward life in general are too different. He is a steadfast hunter. I advocate animal rights. He likes to play things safe. I prefer to take chances. The list goes on and on.
2. No matter what he claims, I don't believe that he has ever truly forgiven me for the things that I did during my alcohol addiction.
3. He relies too heavily on me and my job for support. Just once, I would have liked to have felt like he was taking care of me.
4. It seemed to me that there was always something in his life that was more important than me, hunting, bowling, football games...
5. He doen't care what he looks like. Dammit, I know he cleans up nicely, but he prefers to wear ratty old clothes that look like hell.
6. His family and I never got along. I am tired of trying to fit into that circus!
7. I am never going to change, and neither is he! We need to make a break in order to get on with our lives.
I think that gets me back into the right mindset...
I need to be getting to bed if I am to be up to leave so early in the morning. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep, but I have to try.
