In honor of his birthday today, I offer this list of 101 fun things that I'd like to do with him.
~ Warning ~
This post is NOT for the prudish. If you are a prude, please leave now!
1. Math tutoring, because Matthias made a statement in an interview about two years ago that leads me to believe that he could use some.
2. Visit Australia. Matthias has never been there and he'd really like to go.
3. Guitar lessons. For me, of course. I wanna learn how to play like that!
4. Learn to speak German. He could teach me some very useful phrases, I'm sure!
5. Throw his many baseball caps into the Monongahela River, or the Atlantic Ocean, or any large body of water which happens to be nearby. There's nothing wrong with your hair, Mati! You look absolutely beautiful without them.
6. Go shopping. Matthias needs some new shirts. He's been wearing this black beauty for far too long!
7. Write a song together and collaborate on the lyrics. Perhaps together we could come up with something better than "feelings of tainted love."
8. Remove his foot from his mouth when he inevitably says something he shouldn't in an interview.
9. Let him talk on and on for hours about anything! I'll just listen. That German accent is sooooo sexy!
10. Oktoberfest! A good opportunity to get him drunk and take advantage of him.
11. Take him on an eating tour of Pennsylvania's finest Italian restaurants since he is fond of Italian food.
12. Pop some popcorn and watch my DVD of 2001: A Space Oddessey, his favorite movie.
13. Have him introduce me to his friends, Klaus, Rudolf, James, and Pawel.
14. One woman, one man acousical jam! Let's bust out those guitars and play together!
15. Explore his vast collection of guitars. I've always wanted to play something with the word "Gibson" printed on it!
16. Paint those lovely leather pants on him, or pour him into them, whichever works the best!
17. Run my fingers trough his lovely long locks. Beg him never to crop them short ever again!
18. Give him an opportunity to explain why he neglects to mention his wife on The Scorpions Official Website.
19. Gently remove his foot from his mouth when he is through.
20. Go guitar shopping! See how many I can convince him to buy for me.
21. Sing Baby Blue Eyes for him.
22. Ask him why HE has never posed fo Playgirl, since Rudolf Schenker already has...
23. Take some photographs of him that the magazine might want to use!
24. Ask him how he really feels about a certain guitar player's magazine that decided that Uli Jon Roth was a better metal guitarist than he is.
24. Listen to him rant...
Oooo... It's that sexy German accent again!
25. Agree with every word he says, just to keep him talking.
26. Help him to remove all of the unnecessary buttons from his shirts by biting them off, while he's wearing them!
26. Ask him what the people on the east coast of The United States have done to offend his band, since their tour totally neglected everything east of the Mississippi!
27. Give him my vast collection of unmated earrings.
28. Ask him if he names his guitars. If he does, find out the names of each and every one. If he does not, name them for him.
29. Introduce him to Klaus, Rudolf, Matthias, and Blackie, my guitars!
30. Have him help me find Mildred and Gregg, my two missing guitars.
31. Give him a can of Rolling Rock beer.
32. Laugh hysterically at the faces he makes upon tasting it!
33. Teach him the joy of American football by taking him to a Steelers game.
34. Take him to Motordrome Speedway and introduce him to the joy of NASCAR racing!
35. Go to karaoke night at Hey Andy's and make him sing Rock You Like A Hurricane. Giggle because he can't sing...
36. Ask him if he can still do this...
37. If he says yes, force him to demonstrate!
38. Dress him up in a suit, white shirt and tie, because I want to see what that looks like.
39. Have fun removing the aforementioned outfit from his body after admiring him for a while.
40. Share a plate of spaghetti with him. Eat it in the same way that the dogs did in Lady And The Tramp.
41. Take him to bingo. Watch him squirm as the ladies there ask him stupid questions like, "Do they have Bingo in Germany?" Trust me, they will do this. I know from experience. And the answer to the question is, "Yes, but they call it by a different name."
42. Take him shopping for some underwear. He needs some!
43. Make him put it on immediately, lest his tell-tale trouser bulge causes me to drown in a vast puddle of estrogen.
44. Send him on a tea buying expedition. Blood red tea, made from strange berries which I am told are only available in Germany.
45. Take him to a Halloween party. Make him dress in drag!
He'd be pretty, don'cha think?!
46. Take him out for green beer on St. Patrick's Day.
47. Start a bonfire. Use these hideous pants for kindling!
48. Teach him to shave properly.
* See the above photo *
49. Let him make all of the silly faces he wants, and take plenty of pictures for use in my Silly Sunday posts, of course!
50. Buy him a cowboy hat, then make him wear it so that I can "ride the cowboy!"
51. Eat whipped cream, cherries, and chocolate sauce.... using his body as a serving dish!
52. Performing under those hot stage lights is such a sweaty business. I think that I should help him out by licking him clean!
53. If my "kitty bath" is not sufficient, I'm quite certain we could have some fun together in the shower!
54. Help him to learn all about my job by playing "post office!"
55. Twenty-four hour sex marathon!
56. Grab those tight little buns of his and SQUEEZE!
57. Handcuff him to my bed and have my way with him. No fuzzy cuffs for you, Mati! I like it rough!
58. Tease him. Please him!
59. Take him to the Tiki Lounge to get "leied!"
60. Snuggle up with him and his fishie scarf...
61. Explain to him that while it is perfectly acceptable to screw a skank, it is NOT acceptable to marry one.
62. Shaving or waxing? Ask him to explain the mysteriously disappearing chest hair.
63. See if he can get me a deal on my dream car, which I have discovered to be a Volkswagen Passaat, since his band has done promotions for the company.
64. If he gets me a deal on that car, test the comfort quotient of the back seat for certain activities.
65. If not perform the "comfort test" in Candace.
66. Perform the same test in his car.
67. Ask him to point out his hand in the No One Like You video. I want to know which inmate he was.
68. Assure him that I won't make no promises that my body can't keep.
69. Sixty-nine, of course!
70. Bow down and worship at the temple of his body.
71. Have him recommend some good new bands, so that I don't have to listen to crap to find them.
72. Find out exactly how deep and dark it is deep down in his heart.
73. Recreate the cover photo of this album with him.
74. Have him take me to Vegas for my *cough* birthday, since I was unable to attend his band's show there on that date last year.
75. Tickle, tickle!
76. BE his "explorer" by exploring every inch of his body with my fingers.
77. Repeat the above process with my tongue!
78. Find out what exactly it was that put this expression on his face.
79. Find out what those things are on that favorite black shirt of his.
80. Go off to California with him in search of former bandmate Ralph Rieckermann.
81. Ask him together about those supposed solo projects of his.
82. Show him some more appropriate places to put sunglasses when not being worn.
83. Love him Sunday morning, and Monday, and Tuesday...
84. Take him down Nightmare Avenue. I'm sure I can find one somewhere.
85. Take him on The Phantom's Revenge at Kennywood to see if he screams.
86. Explain to him that it is not good fashion sense to wear a baseball cap with an Armani suit!
87. Ask him what Klaus did to him after he heard him say that he squeaked in a certain VH1 interview.
88. Eighty-eight. Just another name for sixty-nine!
89. Take him to Atlantic City in search of possible venues where his band can play.
90. See how much of his money we can lose in the slot machines there.
91. Take him to the beach. I wanna see him in his swimmers!
92. Do yet another version of the Rock You Like A Hurricane video with me as the only fan pawing at his body.
93. Rock HIM like a hurricane!
94. Do something scandalous with him just to watch the "Media Overkill."
I may have to go to Germany to watch it though...
95. Find out if he still has this outfit.
96. If he still does and it fits, make him wear it!
97. Ditto for the yellow bumble bee pants!
98. Make him scream. Make him cry with all my heart and soul, 'cos I love him!
99. Tell him that he is #1 in my book.
100. Demonstrate to him the many ways that I can make it be fun, fun, fun to be #1 for him.
101. Repeat items 1 -100 as often as possible!
Happy Birthday, Mati!
