"On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays: fear." ~ Dave Barry ~
1. Do you celebrate Valentine’s Day with your significant other? Significant other? By that are you referring to that man to whom I am married, yet do not live with? The one who is sleeping with someone else? The one who refuses to discuss a divorce because he needs my insurance to pay his medical bills? Celebrate Valentine's Day with him?! You're joking, right?
2. What is the best Valentine’s Day gift you have ever received? The best gift that I ever got on Valentine's Day came from one of my postal customers. It was one of those feel good type of gifts. It contained a box of chocolates, a bottle of bubble bath and a scented candle. On the attached card was a little poem that she had written about how I was to use each of the items. Following the poem were the words "Merry Christmas" and her signature. She had bought me this gift for Christmas and forgotten to give it to me. It made my miserable Valentine's Day much happier.
3. Describe your best Valentine date. Have I mentioned the the every man that I've ever had the misfortune of dating has been an unromantic cheapskate? My "best Valentine date" exists only in my fantasies. In it I am with Matthias Jabs and we have wild passionate sex all day and all night.
There's no romance involved, and no talk of love, because those things are just illusions. They don't exist. The only thing that is real is sex, no promises, no strings.
4. Did you pass out Valentines to your classmates as a child? Yeah, our teachers forced us to do it...
5. What is your favorite Valentine décor? (hearts, cupids, etcetera) My favorite Valentine décor is none at all! I hate this stupid holiday about the nonexistant concept of love and romance and I wish that it would just go away!
It's Time For Sunday Brunch! 
